Hello there. You probably randomly found this URL, probably from a test project I've sent you or something but, if you dont want to see some pretty fucked up shit, you can go. Day 1 5/7/2024 Writing this as of 10 PM, I feel quite in a bad mood, so I'm going to write out everything I can possibly think of. Woke up at 7 in the morning, I overslept like 20 minutes and got up, took a shower, did my bag, the usual. I kinda thought about most of the drama that's been going around me recently, made me feel kinda sad throughout the day. Casual day at school, got hit on and things, break just ended and first thing they do is hit on me LOL. For some reason I'm considered as fat in my class, I get treated like a pig, I dont like it. It actually make me feel bad. My BMI I can't lie, I almost cried after all of this, all I can do is hold it in because if I cry they would've beaten me up. I don't want to get home looking bad, my mom would beat me too cause I don't know how to fight back. She just hates me for some reason. I feel like a punching bag to the others, I don't like myself either, everything just makes it worse. I stay in my room most of the day like an incel, even my girlfriend blames me for it. Talking about that, we broke up over an argument, and honestly, it's all my fault. I'm just a piece of shit, why am I like this? I've tried to change myself but i just, can't. My health have been significantly declining, my diabetes is currently so unstable, I'm trying my best to keep it up, but I'm unable to make it atleast stable, I'm always high on sugar which makes it worse, it makes me sleepy all the time, meaning I sometime fall asleep in class and get 2 hours of detention. My whole sleep schedule is fucked up not gonna lie. I usually wake up at 3 PM to fall asleep at 5 in the morning. Jesus, I hate myself for that, though most of my day, I don't get up to eat or drink, I just wake up, take my phone, doomscroll all day. Why am I like this? My grades are going down, I have ADHD but no medication for it, makes me unable to focus. I keep daydreaming about my online life in class, I wish I didn't, I keep worrying about my reputation. I haven't seen my therapist in a while, I want another one because I don't trust her, everytime I see her, it's at the hospital, it scares me, it's kind of a trauma. They forced me to stay there for a week due to how bad I was treating myself. I was wired up everywhere with fluids, they came every 3 hours to check on my blood sugar level, I hated it. I'm so stupid. Lord please kill me. I don't want to live anymore, why am I such a loser? I'm honestly still suffering with gender dysphoria, I'm a closeted trans person and I'm kinda feeling like detransitioning, I've been receiving so much hate, I legit can't handle it anymore. I've secretly tried and thought of plans to commit suicide, I have a few prescriptions of 1 gram Paracetamol hidden in my room, I could take them any time I want to LOL. I probably shouldn't laugh about it cause suicide's a serious matter but I just cant bear the pain anymore. I've had many nights where I've slit my thighs and wrists and cried in agony, due to how much of an idiot I think I am. The only reasons that is keeping me alive are my dogs, I love them too much and I can't leave them in bad hands. Day 2 to 11 5/8/2024 to 5/17/2024 Nothing interesting, just the normal routine, with some small ups and downs. Day 12 5/7/2024 I feel numb, I feel dumb, I feel, exhausted, just finished this week, and I want to commit suicide again, I'm considering it again. I've slit again, I feel ashamed, I broke a promise again. I'm seeking for help, but it doesn't help, I think Kenzie's mad at me, I don't know what I did wrong, I feel like a bad person to her, I'm just a burden to her. If I go will anyone notice me? As I'm writing this, Kenzie noticed my TikTok and is probably questioning me about it, I closed my socials to stay focused on this entry. I made a bloody mess on my bed sheets, It got into the mattress and I'm really lazy to clean it right now. Back to the main thing. I really feel like I'm too much of a person, I am. I am a pure fucking piece of shit that does nothing in her life but fucking exist. I got hit during this week by my classmates, almost broke my wrist again, everything hurts, my brain, my heart, my limbs. I just want to be freed from my life. Take me away please I can't take it anymore, I can't handle this life anymore. I will probably wipe myself off the surface of the internet, you know, start a fresh life. I just want to forget everything. I'm a mess. I hate myself. My therapist snitched on me last time and I almost went to the mental hospital, gave me a panic attack, I don't want to go there so I have to avoid her at all costs, I wanna have a normal life like the others. Why am I not normal, someone please help me. Kenzie have been really distant from me and has been showing off her friends to me, am I not enough for her? I hope I am, my whole life depends on her at the moment. I've seen her diary and she wrote horrid things about me on it, I'm scared she'll leave me soon. I'm having a panic attack right now, I feel like my heart is gonna fall to the floor and I'm trembling and sobbing on my desk. I just want to be loved, please. Nobody appreciates me for who I am, I'm tired of it. Why am I getting picked on, why me. Why not someone else, I did nothing to you, please stop. I just want to be appreciated. You've sent me to the hospital multiple times, just stop, I'm tired of being a punching bag for you. Pick on someone else. I'm going to try to commit suicide by hanging soon, I can't take it anymore. I will probably not change my mind about it. I;'ve tried with paracetamol, it's not strong enough, it just slowly kills you, the most accessible way I have other than paracetamol is hanging. I'll try it soon. Bye, I'll go to bed now. I can't bother staying up anymore.